Spring Break

The last couple weeks have been difficult for my family and I didn't quite realize just how difficult until I came home this week. Last weekend my grandma was diagnosed with throat cancer. It's located in 3 separate spots and it's invasive meaning its spreading very quickly. Simple things like swallowing and talking have become very difficult for her, things a lot of people take for granted. As of right now surgery is not an option due to the cancers location. So for the next 7 weeks, monday through friday, my grandma has to go through radiation and then chemo treatments once a week in hopes of shirking it down enough to remove it. With the treatments swallowing and talking will get harder, sores will develop on her throat, and theres a chance she will lose her hair. Basically it's going to be like going to hell and back for her.

When I found out I was with my boyfriend and the comfort of having someone there meant everything to me. Despite the fact that I hate breaking down in front of people this was a time when it was inevitable. It's like you hear the word cancer and your brain automatically links it to death because you hear stories of people losing friends and family to cancer. You hear on the news that there is no cure, but theres ways to prevent the spread, ways to prolong your last few years, months, or days. But in the end there is almost always death. Now I know this seems stupid since we all are eventually going to die, but I think we have come up with this illusion that there is a right time to die. When someone we know dies in a car accident or dies from a heart attack we sit there and say over and over that it wasn't there time to die and we sit there and try to put the blame on every little thing because we don't want to face reality even though we're living it. It's like we're caught up in wanting a perfect happy ending to everything because thats what books and movies make us think is supposed to happen. But it's not realistic and it never will be, and we can't let go of the fact that it's not.

Yesterday was my 20th birthday, but after everything thats happened it seemed almost selfish to celebrate it. I felt like it no longer mattered, it was just another birthday, just another regular day. My parents didn't agree though, buying me dinner and presents, they needed that happy illusion, that escape from what was actually going on. I'm not saying its a bad thing though because I think we're always going to need that illusion of a happy ending. I just think that the longer we hold on to that illusion the harder its going to be to accept reality when it comes knocking on our door.